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So I’m back. And it’s true, I had a baby. I was off for a month and I have the chewed up nipples to prove it. Eat your heart out, Mayor Pete. I think this qualifies me to do the Ministry of Transport. Speaking of trans… any man who thinks that putting on a dress with a wig in no way makes you a woman. I was there when that baby came out, and no guy can do that. You might as well put on a diaper and claim you’re a baby or a president. But there are few things worse than someone in the media having a child. And not just because you have to imagine them having sex, but they act like they’re the first person to do it, like they just invented having children.
WINNINGS ARE NOW THE LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH FOR CHILDREN IN THE US, CDC SAYS
It’s funny. Many new parents told you a few years ago that having children was selfish. How dare you feed another mouth among the starving billions? Then they have children and suddenly their precious brat is the exception. They went from hating children to having a child they can’t wait to transition to. It amazes me even more that some mothers can be so pro-abortion. It’s like being organic Benedict Arnold. Because these moms know that having children is the best thing they will ever do. Except ironing.
A SEXIST WOULD SAY!
But instead of enduring slander from their fellow diaper deniers for surrendering to patriarchy, they cheer on women for tearing down what gives them meaning in life. Besides watching this show, of course. So what’s the male equivalent? Imagine a man winning a Bronze Star and say it’s not worth it. Sorry, that’s the only thing he’ll remember on his deathbed. Well, that and the orgy with the cast of The Facts of Life. Yes, Charlotte Rae really knew how to party. And yes, I compare motherhood to war, because it is.
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Women serve nine months of service and end up so full of hormones and exhaustion that PTSD is like athlete’s foot. And for that reason, we must treat mothers as conquering heroes. But the message from most libs? Don’t have children. But if we do, it’s because our children will be better than yours. Because in the mediawe act as if everything we do is of greater importance. But do you think my Uncle Frank, a plumber, has to take a month off every time his wife pushes one out? Please. This man had a plunger in his hand three minutes after they cut the umbilical cord. Now that I think about it, I think he took the plunger with him when he gave birth, just in case.
So I won’t brag. Seven billion people have experienced this. But if you’re shocked that I have a runny nose at 60, imagine how I feel. When my wife told me she was pregnant, mine was the first diaper she had to change. It’s not easy, but it’s not earth-shattering either. The lesson I learned is how much I still have to unlearn. Meaning, throughout my lifeI’ve mastered the art of being selfish, and it’s helped my career. But a great career isn’t difficult if you’re all about yourself. Although there are exceptions. But if you work purposefully for ten years, you can master any profession, except maybe porn, because in five years you will already be obsolete.
Ask Trace Gallagher. He may be a silver fox, but you’re done once the carpet matches the curtains. So growing older at my age forces me to learn a lot of things from you learned when you were twentyin your thirties and forties – that you have to think about someone else. And for me that is difficult. My whole house has changed. Now someone is still sleeping in the crib. But a wise person told me this: once you have a child, you cannot regret what you did before, because changing the past would erase the possibility of that child. It might be why Alec Baldwin keeps having kids.
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It’s great. Suddenly I have no regrets after 60 years of bad behavior. So my message to you, men and women. If you regret your past, have a child. Yes. Yes. It’s easy. Almost anyone can do it. And really, kids practically take care of themselves. Right now mine is in the car double parked outside. Don’t worry. I rolled down the windows.
