It’s been a while since I felt uncomfortable.
I had an empty afternoon last week and I saw Speak No Evil (Thetrailer hereThe), a horror/suspense film about a family visiting another couple they met on vacation.
And shockingthings don’t go as expected.
If you see the The“Dinner Party” episode of The OfficeThe where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan’s house for most uncomfortable house party ever, and you thought to yourself…
“What if it was a 2 hour horror movie instead?”
…that’s the essential outline of Speak No Evil.
This movie is based on a 2022 European movie of the same name, so naturally I had to watch that too. And boy, that version is darker and more shocking.
This movie has some really cutting commentary on relationships, masculinity, and even parenting…
But here’s why I’m uncomfortable with Speak No Evil:
This film asks, “How many of our own boundaries are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt someone’s feelings?”
I’m always joking Thehow happy is a person who avoids conflictThe I mean, this movie shook my heart:
Which brings me to the point of today’s newsletter!
Guilt and Overcommitting
My father was raised Episcopalian (a form of Christianity), while my mother was raised Catholic. My mother always joked that the Episcopalian faith was “like Catholicism, but without the sin!”
So we went to the Episcopalian church as children.
And despite this, I got it all Catholic offenses!
I will bend over backwards to keep the peace. I will do my best not to get hurt. I’ll overcommit, I’ll put myself in really frustrating situations, simply because I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries.
Long story short, I would NOT have done well Speak No Evil.
I used to think that I was the only one who was nice, but I realized that it was different.
I have been disrespectful to myself and my own well-being!
Over the years, I’ve learned to establish and enforce healthier boundaries. Not just to protect myself from others, but to protect myself…from myself.
I have a hunch that very few people reading this newsletter are also people-pleasers, struggling with burnout, and feeling overcommitted right now.
If that’s you, I have a hard truth to hear.
The Burnout Solution is not a Yoga Retreat
When we feel tired, too busy, and too stressed, we think the solution lies in a particular form of self-care:
- Escape: We just need a massage or a “digital detox” or a retreat.
- Achievement: We just have to work more difficult at the gym!
- Optimization: If only we had a more optimized schedule!
The problem is that all of these solutions treat the symptom, not the root cause.
As taught in Anne-Helen Peterson’s TheNot evenThe:
“You don’t fix burnout by taking a vacation. You don’t fix it with “life hacks,” like inbox zero, or by using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or doing Sunday meal prep for the whole family, or starting a bullet journal. You’re not going to fix this by reading a book on how to “unfu*k yourself.”
You don’t fix it with a vacation, or an adult coloring book, or “anxiety baking,” or the Pomodoro Technique, or overnight f***ing oats.”
As I share my essay on TheSelf-Care problemsThethe solution is not found in a Yoga studio or on a deserted beach, nor is it found in a journal or meditation app.
The solution requires us to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.
We must first put on our own oxygen mask before we can help others.
Boundaries Protect Against Burnout
We happy people spend most of our time keeping the peace and meeting the needs of others, rarely considering ourselves.
This is often how we find ourselves over-committed, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and possibly resentful of our generosity being ignored.
The problem?
It is not someone else’s responsibility to establish our boundaries.
It is up to us to establish them, explain them, and protect them.
This is where boundaries come into play.
Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to actually consider our also needed. Something I haven’t thought about in a long time. I’m sure there are many amazing moms and dads on this newsletter list who also don’t consider their own needs in a long time.
This doesn’t mean that we have to suddenly become “I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS,” but rather, it means that we need to face the fact that our feelings and needs are valid, and that we need to take care of ourselves if we’re going to take care of you. of others.
As taught by Dr. Lakshmin sa TheReal Self-CareThe:
“To practice true self-care, you must be willing to make yourself vulnerable – whether that means having uncomfortable conversations to set boundaries or making a clear and conscious choice to prioritize one aspect of your life than others.”
Here’s your challenge for the day:
Say NO to something you are currently saying YES out of obligation or guilt.
Establish this boundary for your own well-being and mental health.
Yes, it will require you to rely on those around you, and maybe even *GASP* fail someone!
Especially if they are used to you always saying yes to everything.
I promise you, their reaction is not your responsibility to manage.
One last reminder that I need to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.
We can’t time-travel, which means the only solution to burnout is to put less stuff on our plate.
It requires us to build boundaries to protect ourselves…from ourselves.
I’d love to hear what boundaries you set, so hit reply and let me know!
-Steve
###
The post Boundaries: the Cure for Burnout? first appeared in Nerd Fitness.
